Do you know the difference between guilt and shame? Here are some questions to ask yourself when contemplating this answer:
- Have you felt remorse for acting in a certain way or for certain behaviours?
- Have you ever felt flawed or defective in some way?
- Have you tried to make amends for your actions?
- Have any of your actions led to negative self-talk or doubt for yourself?
- Have emotions arising from your decisions caused feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness in yourself?
- Have you felt motivated to make amends for your actions?
Which is guilt? Which is shame? And is there a different way to address them?
There IS a difference between guilt and shame and the way we experience and process them. Guilt is a complex emotion that you experience when you’ve done something wrong or failed to do something you should have. You can feel guilt through remorse or regret that can be difficult to ease. A healthy sense of guilt will help motivate you to correct any wrongdoings, is short-lived, and is a natural response to your behaviours that are inconsistent with your values or beliefs. Guilt can be summarized in the statement of “I did something bad.”
On the other hand, shame is an intense feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that is caused by your belief that you have failed to meet certain standards or expectations. Shame is also a complex emotion and is a core response that you are inadequate or unworthy compared to others. Shame can be harmful and bring on the general feeling of being flawed or defective as a human being and can cause avoidance of situations or people that trigger these feelings. The long-term effects of shame can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, struggles with trust, fear of getting close to others, avoiding life’s responsibilities, and even physical illness. A pervasive sense of not being ‘enough’ can cause you to jeopardize your close relationships and foster isolation. Shame can be summarized in the statement of “I am bad.”
Excessive or unhealthy guilt can lead to a deep sense of unworthiness and spiral into shame. Your ability to recognize what guilt and shame feels like is the first step to preventing these negative narratives and self-perceptions to develop. Guilt is a feeling of remorse or responsibility you have for an action or behaviour you’ve done. You feel guilt when you believe you’ve done something wrong or harmful to yourself or others. Guilt isn’t always negative and can be the motivator you need to make amends for your actions. It helps you to take responsibility for your actions and avoid the harmful actions in the future. Shame is an emotion coming from feeling inadequate or unworthy as a person. Guilt can spiral into shame through your negative self-talk and belief that you are flawed or defective. Shame can be a harmful emotion as it can lead you to self-doubt and to avoid situations or people that trigger these feelings.
After recognizing whether you are feeling guilt or shame, you can take steps to work through and with these emotions. The first step to resolution is simple but challenging: recognizing and accepting that you’re dealing with guilt and shame. It is helpful to step back and find out whether you’ve set impossibly high standards for yourself or if you’re shouldering burdens that aren’t yours to bear. Are your beliefs realistic or are they tied up in unhelpful beliefs or from outside pressure? As is the case with other complex emotions, seeking professional guidance for deeper issues and to work through your guilt and shame is always beneficial. At the same time, there are other tools and steps you can take to increase your self-esteem and lower the intensity of your guilt and shame. Use self-compassion and speak to yourself with positive affirmations and intentional self-appreciation as you would to your friend. Try to ground yourself and come back to the present moment and out of your thoughts. Serve someone else kindly to shift out of your negative self-talk. Connect with others such as a friend or a therapist, as sharing your thoughts and gaining new perspectives and support is helpful. Counsellors and psychologists are available at Astoria Counselling & Assessment to work through guilt and shame.
